Day Of The Dead Celebrated By Dalton Zombie
The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning people that ‘the town will be over run by the meandering brainless entities’ and it lists several ways of avoiding certain death.
On his list of ‘survival techniques’ he states ‘It will be best if you leave the area, however if you cannot do that, lock your doors and have a tin of Pineapple rings handy.’ The Barrow Evening Mail contacted Mr Swartz asking him to explain why householders needed a tin of pineapples and how he had managed to find the news about the rise of the zombies. He stated that the ‘Great Zombie Under The Ground’ interrupted a dream and told him to warn the citizens of Dalton so that avoidable deaths could be avoided. The tin containing the pineapple rings could be used as a weapon and thrown at the marauding un-dead. In a hushed tone, Mr Swartz added ‘the pineapple rings are actually my idea; they are my favourite fruit to eat with either ice cream or custard and I’m hoping that after the event there will be loads of tins laying around the town so I don’t have to buy any for at least a couple of months.’
The Co-op in Dalton received a leaflet and have told us that they are ‘stocked to the gills with tins of pineapple and this event had better take place or we are going to look stupid at Head Office’.
Mr Swartz is adamant that the event will take place and that the Zombies will rise… however the Barrow Evening Mail will return to this story later in the year.
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Police Swoop In Drugs Raid
The Barrow Police were today involved in a raid on Ainslie Street Chemist. Fifteen Officers, all armed with Taser Guns and kitted out in full Riot Gear, entered the commercial property just after opening time and proceeded to hand over a prescription for their Sergeants’ foot powder.
The Police Officers stood and chatted for five minutes before deciding to buy six strawberry-flavoured chuppa chup lollies, three apple-flavoured, two vanilla-flavoured, and four blackcurrant-flavoured. After picking up the prescription, the Officers left the building to return to the station.
The Barrow Evening Mail contacted the Head of Cumbria Police about the over zealous nature of the Chemist run, but initially they refused to comment until an internal investigation had been conducted. Keeping to their word the Police contacted us later that day stating that, ‘We have conducted a short investigation and believe that you have blown this story out of all proportion and that any continuation will result in the arrest of the Editor’.
The Barrow Evening Mail would like to apologise for this story, and we acknowledge the seriousness of making up stories…
Next week we report on the Barrow Mayor as he tries to defend spending £1,250,000 of Tax Payers money on transporting Elephants to Walney for ‘work experience’.
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Roadworks Set To Stay For Three More Years
It has been reported that the roadworks based on Hindpool Rd will be present for the foreseeable future. This situation arose when workmen discovered the skeleton of a triceratops in the jaws of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, in the jaws of a Crocodile, in the jaws of a Parking Attendant.
The find made an instant commotion as Time Teams Tony Robinson appeared without warning. Declaring the site as historically sensitive he went on to say that Channel 4 would be filming there by the end of the week.
Our Glorious Leaders took action within hours, setting up an emergency committee, working into the small hours of the night they discussed the best way to keep work on track. The fear was that delays in the Hindpool Rd development could compromise the Marina. The discussion passed through many proposals, each one dissected and picked over until all possible outcomes had been exhausted. From the rerouting of the road, to the hydraulic lifting of the newly constructed shells and the creation of a super flyway, however the most entertaining topic came at about midnight. The Councils Hot Beverage Engineer delivered Tea and Biscuits and in an off the cuff comment said, ‘Be careful, the Creams only have a five second dunk time’. For the next twenty-five minutes the Councillors embarked on highly animated research, which resulted in nearly six packets of biscuits disappearing into differing temperate cups.
The final outcome was the first one discussed; place a temporary roundabout around the sensitive area and let the archaeologists do their work, and then, if budget allows, rebuild the road to the original plan.
Tony Robinson agreed that this was the best method as then he could be recognised by all those who drove past and this would make him feel like an A List Celebrity for a couple of days. The only problem that he could foresee was that he would have to lose nearly seven stone to get down to size zero.
The Council retired at nearly three in the morning, only to discover on waking that the find had actually been identified as a mix of bones from a bovine, probably buried by a local dog.
Work continues.
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Street Safety Secured With Sewer Restructure
Many residents of Hindpool may have been inconvenienced recently by the major revamp of the sewerage system in their area. The work has been ongoing for several weeks and has caused not one tailback, but will look likely to continue for several weeks more.
However the Council have now revealed that the whole restructuring will not only benefit the Hindpool people by getting rid of their waste quicker, but also provide a security feature that will be hailed as the first in the whole country.
The Council will be employing up to twenty three ‘security personnel’ to walk through the sewer system and occasionally pop their heads up through the manhole covers, surveying the area and reporting directly to the Barrow Police Force. They hope that the continual threat of any crime-orientated criminals will be put off by the chance that they will be spotted and reported as a crime is in progress.
The Barrow Evening Mail approached the Council to shed further light on the scheme, they replied that the project would be piloted to see if crime in the area will reduce and if it is successful it will be rolled out across the whole of the Borough. The cost will be fairly minimal, with wages, uniform and an underground ‘brew room’ the only monetary factors.
Although the scheme is due to start soon, the Council have not given the date away as they want their first would be criminal to be as much surprised as their victim.
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Results Of The Big Blamonge Bouncing Bonanza
The Cumbria Tourist Board have hailed as a major success The Big Blamonge Bouncing Bonanza held in Barrow Park on the weekend of the 8th March. Thousands of people gathered at the foot of the steps and many more lined the hill to the cenotaph. Full families turned out early and took the chance to make a full day of it as they picnicked their way till late into the night.
The action started at 1.30pm with the Under 10’s category being won by Ayden Missclough, who’s Blamonge bounced down fifty four steps before it broke in two.
Carlton Muledip, ahead of four other Blamonges that made it all the way down to the Bandstand, marginally won the Under 18’s category.
David Moreschi won the Male’s competition in the quickest time of the day, a mere 21 seconds.
However the closest finish was in the Ladies race where four competitors were involved in a photo finish. After much deliberation and a painstaking twenty minutes the eventual winner was declared as Mrs Marjorie Bossnut. Although, the decision is still in revue due to complaint by two of the other Ladies involved. Organisers will declare an official ruling as soon as the University of Oxford have analysed the pixels within the image.
The exhibitions, including Blamonges of the World, Famous Blamonges and the History of the Blamonge slideshow set up around the bandstand were also a major success as they had queues outside which a the height trailed back as far as the Lake.
The organisers declared the whole event a major success and have said that they will return next year for Part Two.
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M.O.D Raid Barrow's Premier Floating Night Club
Armed M.O.D. officers stormed a floating nightclub docked in Barrow yesterday after receiving an anonymous hoax call. The M.O.D. were tipped off that 'The Princess Selandia' was in fact the 'Tirpitz', a 44,755-ton Bismarck class German WWII battleship.
Local officials pointed out that the boat had been loitering in the dock suspiciously for a number of months now and never left or returned to its moorings. The possibility of a retalitory strike against the British for winning 2 world wars seemed extremely likely, maybe. Security levels were raised to 'Puce/Cerise' and a massive submarine full of missiles and guns was launched from the yard as a precautionary measure. A clean sweep of the boat showed traces of German lager as well as cheap German wine. However no Nazi Kriegsmarine were found.
An M.O.D. spokesman was overheard in Morrissons, while eating an all day breakfast "Its not the same now you cant smoke in here after a fry up". Boat owner & local entrpreneur George Lucas was later released from police custody without being charged for his lunch.
Danny Fischarge
Greedy Graham Eats All The Pies
Graham Greedy, aged 22, from Ormsgill, has beaten two world records in one astonishing event. The obviously titled competition, ‘Who Ate All The Pies? Competition’, staged outside of the Town Hall, challenged competitors to devour as many meat and potato pies in eight hours as they could.
Mr Greedy sat down with seven other competitors at twelve noon and continued to eat at a steady pace until the eight o clock deadline. Each competitor had been assigned an independent adjudicator and their tally kept secret so that the winner could not be announced until the Mayor, Dignitaries and Press had arrived.
As Graham Greedy lifted the inaugural cup, the Mayor announced that he had successfully and completely eaten fifty-six pies at an average of eight pies an hour. Mr Greedy stood to deliver his acceptance speech, where he thanked the local WI for providing the judges and his girlfriend for booking the colonic irrigation session.
As Mr Greedy began to alight the stage the second world record was broken. With a slight tilt of his head and a curve of his back, he let out the worlds loudest belch, losing out on the worlds longest belch by only two seconds.
The Organisers of the competition said that the whole event had been a thrilling and successful affair as each pie had been kindly sponsored by a local company, with the money raised being kindly donated to the ‘Bring Back Ask Aspel Appeal’. They refused to tell us how much was raised, but stated that it was a good start to the Aspel Campaign, and how they could now fly to their campaign headquarters in the Caribbean.
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Blast From The Past Shocks Woman Senseless
A local woman today found herself being treated for Stupidity when she went into a state of complete shock. Paramedics treated her at the scene, but they needed help from the Fire Brigade before they could get her in the Ambulance.
An unnamed witness stated that, ‘The lady was walking around that corner when she suddenly stopped, pointed and then broke into a resounding version of Walking In The Air in a hillbilly kind of slash operatic stylee. It was quite a racket, whatever it was.’ A second witness did not see anything, but was surprised by the size of crowd that have formed to watch a street entertainer.
It is believed that the woman saw someone from her far distance past and was so shocked that it started the state of catatonia. The ambulance arrived within five minutes of the emergency call, yet the dance that she was doing was so extreme that they could not control her arms or her legs. The Ambulance drivers called the Fire Brigade who managed to tie her up using the hose. Once the woman had been taken away, the crowd dispersed within hours.
The Police are appealing for any other witnesses who might know the identity as the only words that she has spoken is, ‘Ducks eat mince and potatoes’. Any body with any information are asked to contact the Barrow Evening Mail first and then the Police.
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Missing Mammal Mauls Millom Mum
On Thursday Evening a Millom Woman, who has requested to remain nameless, aged 35, was making her way to Barrow Train Station, when she entered Dalton Road and was confonted by a ‘… large, powerful, black haired animal.’
The Millom Woman said, ‘I’m a big fan of Sir David Attenborough, so I used his technique of staying calm and trying not to startle the beast. Slowly I put my hand in my pocket to retrieve my Monster Repellent Spray that I got from thingsyouwillneverusebutjustincase.com, when I remembered I had never actually ordered it, but got the Emergency Hip Hop Emulator. The Monster didn’t appreciate my 1080 degree head spin and just pounced.’
The struggle was captured on CCTV (which should be on youtube soon), and it shows the Woman and the Monster writhing around on the floor for nearly three minutes. It was only by shear luck that the Woman managed to escape, when the Monster rolled over onto the Hip Hop Emulator, shorting the circuit board and effectively turning it into a Taser.
The Woman ran from the scene and found refuge in the Duke Of Edinburgh, where she calmed herself down with a few double whiskeys. The Monster ran in the direction of Rawlinson Street after the batteries on the Emulator ran out.
Animal Experts have been studying the CCTV footage and cannot come to a conclusion on the actual species. One Scientist claimed today that it might even be, ‘…plant life.’
The Police have issued a stern warning about the attack saying, ‘We need vigilance from our subjects. Report all shadows. Until we know what the animal is we are stuck not knowing what the animal is.’
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Askam Man Blows The Better Bubbles
In a drunken dare, Mr Brian Cucumbed, of Sharp St, Askam, drank a 500ml bottle of Fairy Washing Up Liquid. His friends had made the bet after Brian had boasted about having, ‘an iron gut.’ However within minutes of swallowing the cleaning product, he found himself writhing in agony and being violently sick.
After being released from Furness General Hospital, Mr Cucumbed arrived home still feeling slightly under the weather. He had spent the next two days camped on his sofa, before developing a rather bad cold. When his Mother visited him, she saw a phenomenon that Brian had failed to spot, or even feel.
Every time that Mr Cucumbed stifled a sneeze, a large stream of bubbles erupted from his ears. Not understanding his Mother, Brian checked for himself in the mirror. He told us, ‘It was so shocking, but at the same time it didn’t hurt and it looked amazing… that’s when I had the idea. The first step was to register with an Agent who got me an entry for the ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ TV Show.’
After celebrating the win and being whisked off his feet in the publicity machine, Brian then decided to leave his job and take a chance going fulltime. Brian has never looked back, and has been touring non-stop. ‘It’s been brilliant, I have to top myself up with a dose of Fairy every morning, which is the downside, but apart from that I have found myself shaking hands with the stars and eating in all the right places.’
The Fantastic Mr Cucumbed can be seen showcasing his amazing talent at Forum 28 for a limited time only. Tickets can be bought in advance, but also on the door.
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Flashdance Back To The 80’s Grand Gala
Every now and then somebody comes up with that sensational idea that we all take by the hand and skip in time with. Mr Baskerville, aged 63 of Deal Ave, Walney, has applied for a grant from the Neighbourhood Forum to host an evening of Disco and Leg Warmers to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the groundbreaking movie Flashdance.
Mr Baskerville wants to hire a local venue for the event and stage a full recreation of the movie featuring himself as Alex Owens (originally played by Jennifer Beals) and his Father, Gordon, as the then heartthrob role of Nick Hurley.
Mr Baskerville told The Barrow Evening Mail, ‘It has been a long time dream to play the role, as I love the costumes and I used to be a welder in the Boilershop.’ He added, ‘The songs are so accessable and joyful, they could almost be hymns.’
The set is beginning to be built in his garage and is taking shape, although scale seems to be an issue as, ‘We don’t know how big the stage will be.’ Coils of copper wire and drums of sheet metal line the walls, and a (very) large, rectangular lit dancefloor sits pride of place on top of the even older Ford Escort. ‘I’m making it all myself, and nearly everything you see is recycled from nieghbours broken household appliances. If you look closely the floor is made from perspex out of the old style kitchen cupboards, and Alex’s Pitbull Terrier is made from the bag of an old hover… I’m really pleased with that.’
Mr Baskerville is looking for a grant of £4000 to stage a seven day run, or a sponsor with the same enthusiasm for the movie that he has. If you know of anybody, please contact Mr Baskerville by picking up a flyer from the phone box near Bodycare on Dalton Road.
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Email Scam Set To (Moon) Rock The Furness Peninsula
A rogue email is arriving in the inboxes of surfers through out Furness. The email suggests that you can be the proud owner of a rare piece of moon rock by just filling in the form supplied and emailing it back to the originator.
Mrs Gromper, aged 83, replied to the email with great excitement, as she had been a budding astronomer since 1947, her Widower told us. Mr Gromper, aged 48, said that Jean did not fully read the terms and conditions and sent for the piece of rock, it was only later that the full extent of her mistake came to pass.
Three men, dressed from head to toe in Clingfilm and carrying a portable carpet cleaner knocked at her door claiming the right to Mrs Grompers living body. Pointing out clause 17.8 they proceeded to hose down the distraught Mrs Gromper and then bundled her into a van. Mr Gromper told us that the slogan on the side of the van read ‘To Go Where Nobody Has Gone Before’.
After an extensive manhunt, Mr Gromper received a telephone call from the MWMAKt Corporation, as they declared themselves to be. They stated that his wife had been involved in a series of experiments and unfortunately she had failed in the ‘skipping around the dark side of the moon’. The body could be found in a shopping trolley in the part of Tesco where nobody parked, although, as it had a half-life of ten thousand years, he might need a pair of rubber gloves and a set of tongs.
Mrs Gromper was put to rest in her native Ulverston. You can find her grave by looking to the night sky and following the strange glow. So please be careful if you receive the same email or indeed any email that sounds too good to be true.
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Barrow To Host The Big Blamonge Bouncing Bonanza
In a bid to raise the profile of Barrow In Furness, the Tourist Board has declared that 2008 shall be the year of the Blamonge. The first event will be ‘The Big Blamonge Bouncing Bonanza’ and be staged in The Park on the 8th to the 10th of March.
Competitors will be asked to bring their own Blamonge concoctions to the Bandstand where they will first be put through a rigorous test to discover if any cheating is going on. People who have included elements such as rubber or playdough into their entries will be excluded.
The idea is that each competitor will be asked to roll their Blamonge down the ninety six steps, from the Cenotaph to the Band Stand, the one that bounces all the way down and retains it’s shape will be declared the winner. The prize will be a years worth of Blamonge mixture, second place will receive a Casio digital watch worth £1.50 and third place will make do with a handshake from Mrs Mary Cutcough.
Other events on the day will be Blamonges of the World, Famous Blamonges and the History of the Blamonge slideshow. The organisers hope that the schools in the borough will support the event and any school wishing to compete will have the chance of a Blamonge making workshop.
Further events will be held during the year and will be advertised here in the pages of the Barrow Evening Mail.
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Dog House Blues For Local Man
After returning from the pub last Sunday evening, Mr G Hopscotch, from Holbeck, entered his back garden and reportedly heard his dog singing the blues from the confines of her kennel. The King Charles Spaniel ran through a collection of Lightning Hopkins classics before emerging into the night sky looking for the remains of a Kebab.
Mr Hopscotch saw his chance to make a million with his unique pet and decided to sleep on it and try to remember the idea in the morning. On waking he told his wife about Bill, aged 6, and the amazing renditions. Rolling her eyes she became the unwitting instigator of the sorry affair, as she replied, 'yeah... and you want to put her on the stage.', before getting up to make a cup of tea.
Mr Hopscotch said that he jumped out of bed to begin the journey to riches immediately. Trying to get Bill to repeat the fine music Mr Hopscotch first tried to gently coax the dog with biscuits, before resorting to stonger tactics. As the fifth hour passed Mr Hopscotch had a flashback to the previous night and realised that the music had come from his next door neighbours house and it sounded bloody awful.
Mr Hopscotch will be appearing in court on charges of cruelty after the dog had been rushed to the vets to have pieces of the neighbours fence removed from it's body.
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Crash At Walney Aerodrome
Emergency services were nearly called out today after a horrific crash. The incident started at 2.15pm and lasted for a whole fifteen seconds when an unnamed man scraped his alloy wheel against the pavement, sending the occupent into a state of mild surprise. Calmly reacting to the emergency, he stepped out of the car and sighed quite heavily.
Staff operating the airport were said to be in a deep silence about the incident as we phoned several times without success. We surmised by the lack of response that they were trying to keep their emotions in check and it would undermine their community respect if they were seen to 'blub like a big girls blouse'.
The motorist who reported the incident said that he would have to take several days off work to look for an alloy wheel the same style as his own, he said, '...and at this time in my life its the last thing I need'.
We would like to pass our gratitude on to the emergency services for their quick decision not to react. This decision proved correct and cost the taxpayer absolutely nothing.
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Barrow Town Hall To Move Location
Yes, it is true(ish) that Barrow Town Hall is relocating. In a bid to save money, our glorious leaders have voted to sell the present Town Hall and buy a row of houses. The vote was taken in controversy as the proposee put the opposition on the back foot by bring in his miniture poodle, that had just had it's coat trimmed into the style of a young Hayley Mills. While the poodle was overly 'aahhhh'ed at and vigourously patted, the Chairman called the show of hands. The opposition did put in a formal complaint, but the Chairman dismissed it on the fact that they all acted like 'a pack of Southern softies'.
The decision on where to buy the houses has not yet been taken, however they are proposing to sell the Town Hall to a developer. We phoned around to a few known interested parties and asked their plans if they were the successful bidder. We had a range of replies from turning it into a large Haunted House attraction to knocking it down and building a 400ft Elvis sitting on the toilet.
The Chairman stated, 'What ever happens with the Town Hall, we have the right to veto any building so you can be sure it will be tasteful, modern and probably pink.' He went onto say 'We like pink, it compliments our eyes.'
When a decision is made we will be returning to this story. Although have your say, as we will soon be running a poll on what you think should replace the Town Hall building.
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