Man Arrested After Bomb Blast
On the evening of Saturday, 4th July an Askam man, Mr Hillings of The Hoadlands, aged 37, was taken into custody after he set a 25lb bomb off in the middle of the Rugby Ground. The blast left a hole 16ft deep and a radius of 32ft, taking out the most used area of the pitch.
Mr Hillings stated, “I bought, what I thought was, a firework. It said on the outside that the sky would light up an array of colours, with a steady stream of dancing fairies gently descending to earth. It was my wife’s birthday and I thought it would make a great crescendo to the evening. ‘Slippery Nipple’ anybody?”
The Police held a press conference late on Sunday morning where they clarified the situation. They said, “We now know that the bomb was an anti tank mine that had been dismantled and packaged into a cornflakes box with one real fuse and five others drawn on.” They continued, “We believe Mr Hillings is telling the truth about where he got the firework, but we still have to verify the story before we go forward with any prosecutions”.
The neighbours were reluctant to go on record, as they all pretended not to hear our questions. However we did get an answer from a local who wasn’t in the village that night. He said, “I don’t know much. I wasn’t in the village that night”.
Mr Hillings said that he would try to fix the rugby pitch and was last seen with his shovel, franticly flinging piles of dirt over his head.
The Police have assured the Barrow Evening Mail that there are no more bombs available to buy in the town, but have issued a warning stating, “The Bomb looked like a graphic designer had completed the job whilst doing a salsa and sucking on a very hot chilli”. The case continues.
Barrow To Rejoice New Traffic Lights With Festival
As the new one-way system comes to its first anniversary, Barrow Council have announced a weeklong celebration for their forward thinking road planners. Kicking off on the first weekend of September, the road will be closed for the week, as a stage the size to rival Wembley Stadium will be built.
Saturday will see the first show postponed due to an unforeseen complication with the lighting system. Sunday will host the first official event when local celebrity Dave Pliers will demonstrate the best way to cook an omelette while juggling five small dogs and a pineapple. The start time is yet to be announced, but it has been hinted that it will begin somewhere just after breakfast, or it could be late evening, or anywhere in between.
Monday through till Friday will be a repeating programme so that the whole of Barrow can join in the euphoric spectacle, which will include, Marge Cranberries ‘Knitting For Self Awareness’, The Gobble Floaters with the operetta, ‘Green Is My Favourite Colour’ and the headline act, Musical Youth’s ‘Tribute To Madonna, The Early Years’.
The second Saturday, postponed from the first, will see the culmination of the celebrations with one of the highest paid entertainers on the planet appearing to officially award those lucky enough to knock a coconut off a stick. Mr Barack told us that he was so pleased to be invited, that he is bringing the whole family. The stage will be host to Take That as they bring us the budget version of their ‘Circus Tour’, called ‘Flea Circus Tour’. The boys will be replaced by four tape recorders and the fleas will be seen to tow small wagons.
Barrow Council Spokesman said, “It will be an event to end all events”, before lifting his top and shouting, “I am so excited.” The Barrow Evening Mail has been invited to be the official reporters of the event, so with notebook and pen in hand, we will be bringing you a taste of the seven days with gusto and pomposity.
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Weather Causes Chaos Across Cumbria
The recent weather systems have caused a major and widespread chaos over the whole of the County. Both drivers and pedestrians alike found themselves stranded by the unusual conditions. One local Woman, who refused to be named, described her plight, through the non-existent Barrow Evening Mail Forum, as chaotic.
She stated, ‘It started off as a normal day, rain was gently falling, so I decided to get togged up and make a dash for the local CO-OP to get the days provisions in. All of a sudden, the Sun appeared from behind a cloud. At first I thought it was a blip and that a normal service would resume very quickly, however after waiting at the door, it just got hotter and hotter until I had to remove both my hat, scarf and coat. I was quite calm at that point but when it started to get even hotter and I had to remove my jumper, I began to shake uncontrollably and finally entered an apoplectic state’. Mrs Gleber was one of the hundreds of pedestrians who found themselves in Furness General A&E overcome with shock and awe.
On the roads cars and buses alike had come to a stop as people got out of their cars to view the blue skies and shimmering Sun. One Driver said, ‘It was like a scene out of a film. You know it happens in places around the globe on a regular basis, but no one thought it would ever happen here in Barrow. It was a miracle, just a plain, simple miracle’.
Those who ventured out into the bright sunshine described the experience as ‘surreal’ and ‘odd’. A local Church Representative called our offices to warn that Satan was amongst us, and those who turned red in the sun will be ousted as Devil Worshippers. The Priest, from the Church of Tupperware and Plastic Condiment Utilities went on to say, ‘We are doomed. The whole of Mankind as we know it, should fall onto their knees and repent for storing their sandwiches in tin foil’.
Normal service was resumed some seven hours later when a hailstorm moved in and the whole County sighed a collective sigh of relief.
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Credit Crunch Hits Barrow Shop
The global financial situation has hit a barrow business so hard it has had to close down with the loss of no jobs. The imagination shop, selling imaginary gifts, failed to see a huge debt mountain not appearing on the horizon. The shop, which has been established for over seven years, went into receivership on Thursday night after one of its main suppliers of dreams demanded they settle a bill that included nearly £900 of deliveries.
The Owner, Mrs Hortle Shufflebottom, said she was surprised to be in such a position, ‘I am surprised to find myself in such position. I never expected to be here… in fact I am surprised to be here and not in a better situation’.
The main business of the shop was to sell those things that people couldn’t afford and make their dreams come true by reducing the cost and selling them something from their own imaginations that could physically not be touched but be owned. Hortle said that because the business was not physically represented, people found it hard to find the premises and therefore any form of advertising was quite wasted. ‘I have spent thousands on advertising over the past few years and I have even stood outside it trying to get people in, but they just think I am a touch on the odd side and they tend to run away.’ Mrs Hortle Shufflebottom broke off at that point and burst into no tears.
On contacting Furness Enterprise, on behalf of Hortle, they said that there was nothing they could do as their criteria for giving out business grants was on the creation of employment, especially those people they can see.
Hortle thanked us for the help and offered us an imaginary cup of tea before she disappeared into thin air.
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Wormhole Found In Woolworth’s Window
A freak accident at the weekend ended with a Barrow Girl stranded in the year 3067 where she found herself surrounded by ‘wispy elemental types of beings’. It all began late Friday night when Sheila Gooseberry and her friends were making their way back home after a late drink in Scorpio. They were involved in a play fight when one of her friends pushed a little too hard forcing Sheila onto the window when it gave way. Initially her friends just stood and looked at the Scalextric Display in a state of shock, before one gathered her wits enough to phone the Emergency Services.
Miss Gooseberry reappeared moments later out of the window of Ethel Austin supporting a brand new outfit and a scar that ran the whole circumference of her head. She was in a state of shock, but managed to climb into a Police car as soon as they arrived.
On her discharge she granted the Barrow Evening Mail an exclusive interview. Miss Gooseberry told us that she felt the glass give way and before she knew it she was stood in a kind of street resembling Dalton Road, but was surrounded by three-mile high skyscrapers. Cars floated above her head and the only things on the ground were giant fires that attracted the discarded rubbish from the buildings above. “I wandered around for several days catching falling food stuff, before a friendly resident swooped and picked me up in their vehicle… It was kind of spooky as she looked like my Great Aunt Dorothy”. She went on to describe a typical apartment … “just like our rooms really, but everything floated, even the dust.” She went on, “It was just like an episode of the Jetsons… except with these people/ghosts that when they weren’t floating, they were floating while eating, you could see food sliding down the inside of their bodies.”
“I was there for three of their years; I found a job working in a Little Chef, pushing unwanted food out of the window… I cried every night and I hated everything about it”, said Miss Gooseberry, “I thought I would never get home, then all of a sudden I slipped in the kitchen one day and fell down the plughole… that’s when I popped out into 2008 again.” She went on “I have seen the future and it is not orange… it’s scary and all I want to do is to go home now and put my feet up and have a cup of tea.”
We asked her if she would miss anything, “I would like to say that the Rolling Stones concert was good, but they didn’t move that much.”
The Barrow Evening Mail would like to repeat what the Police have said and that is to stay away from jumping through windows, as we did attempt it ourselves but our number 1 reporter squashed his sandwiches when he bounced and landed on his bum.
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