Wormhole Found In Woolworth’s Window
A freak accident at the weekend ended with a Barrow Girl stranded in the year 3067 where she found herself surrounded by ‘wispy elemental types of beings’. It all began late Friday night when Sheila Gooseberry and her friends were making their way back home after a late drink in Scorpio. They were involved in a play fight when one of her friends pushed a little too hard forcing Sheila onto the window when it gave way. Initially her friends just stood and looked at the Scalextric Display in a state of shock, before one gathered her wits enough to phone the Emergency Services.
Miss Gooseberry reappeared moments later out of the window of Ethel Austin supporting a brand new outfit and a scar that ran the whole circumference of her head. She was in a state of shock, but managed to climb into a Police car as soon as they arrived.
On her discharge she granted the Barrow Evening Mail an exclusive interview. Miss Gooseberry told us that she felt the glass give way and before she knew it she was stood in a kind of street resembling Dalton Road, but was surrounded by three-mile high skyscrapers. Cars floated above her head and the only things on the ground were giant fires that attracted the discarded rubbish from the buildings above. “I wandered around for several days catching falling food stuff, before a friendly resident swooped and picked me up in their vehicle… It was kind of spooky as she looked like my Great Aunt Dorothy”. She went on to describe a typical apartment … “just like our rooms really, but everything floated, even the dust.” She went on, “It was just like an episode of the Jetsons… except with these people/ghosts that when they weren’t floating, they were floating while eating, you could see food sliding down the inside of their bodies.”
“I was there for three of their years; I found a job working in a Little Chef, pushing unwanted food out of the window… I cried every night and I hated everything about it”, said Miss Gooseberry, “I thought I would never get home, then all of a sudden I slipped in the kitchen one day and fell down the plughole… that’s when I popped out into 2008 again.” She went on “I have seen the future and it is not orange… it’s scary and all I want to do is to go home now and put my feet up and have a cup of tea.”
We asked her if she would miss anything, “I would like to say that the Rolling Stones concert was good, but they didn’t move that much.”
The Barrow Evening Mail would like to repeat what the Police have said and that is to stay away from jumping through windows, as we did attempt it ourselves but our number 1 reporter squashed his sandwiches when he bounced and landed on his bum.
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Day Of The Dead Celebrated By Dalton Zombie
The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning people that ‘the town will be over run by the meandering brainless entities’ and it lists several ways of avoiding certain death.
On his list of ‘survival techniques’ he states ‘It will be best if you leave the area, however if you cannot do that, lock your doors and have a tin of Pineapple rings handy.’ The Barrow Evening Mail contacted Mr Swartz asking him to explain why householders needed a tin of pineapples and how he had managed to find the news about the rise of the zombies. He stated that the ‘Great Zombie Under The Ground’ interrupted a dream and told him to warn the citizens of Dalton so that avoidable deaths could be avoided. The tin containing the pineapple rings could be used as a weapon and thrown at the marauding un-dead. In a hushed tone, Mr Swartz added ‘the pineapple rings are actually my idea; they are my favourite fruit to eat with either ice cream or custard and I’m hoping that after the event there will be loads of tins laying around the town so I don’t have to buy any for at least a couple of months.’
The Co-op in Dalton received a leaflet and have told us that they are ‘stocked to the gills with tins of pineapple and this event had better take place or we are going to look stupid at Head Office’.
Mr Swartz is adamant that the event will take place and that the Zombies will rise… however the Barrow Evening Mail will return to this story later in the year.
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Police Swoop In Drugs Raid
The Barrow Police were today involved in a raid on Ainslie Street Chemist. Fifteen Officers, all armed with Taser Guns and kitted out in full Riot Gear, entered the commercial property just after opening time and proceeded to hand over a prescription for their Sergeants’ foot powder.
The Police Officers stood and chatted for five minutes before deciding to buy six strawberry-flavoured chuppa chup lollies, three apple-flavoured, two vanilla-flavoured, and four blackcurrant-flavoured. After picking up the prescription, the Officers left the building to return to the station.
The Barrow Evening Mail contacted the Head of Cumbria Police about the over zealous nature of the Chemist run, but initially they refused to comment until an internal investigation had been conducted. Keeping to their word the Police contacted us later that day stating that, ‘We have conducted a short investigation and believe that you have blown this story out of all proportion and that any continuation will result in the arrest of the Editor’.
The Barrow Evening Mail would like to apologise for this story, and we acknowledge the seriousness of making up stories…
Next week we report on the Barrow Mayor as he tries to defend spending £1,250,000 of Tax Payers money on transporting Elephants to Walney for ‘work experience’.
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Roadworks Set To Stay For Three More Years
It has been reported that the roadworks based on Hindpool Rd will be present for the foreseeable future. This situation arose when workmen discovered the skeleton of a triceratops in the jaws of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, in the jaws of a Crocodile, in the jaws of a Parking Attendant.
The find made an instant commotion as Time Teams Tony Robinson appeared without warning. Declaring the site as historically sensitive he went on to say that Channel 4 would be filming there by the end of the week.
Our Glorious Leaders took action within hours, setting up an emergency committee, working into the small hours of the night they discussed the best way to keep work on track. The fear was that delays in the Hindpool Rd development could compromise the Marina. The discussion passed through many proposals, each one dissected and picked over until all possible outcomes had been exhausted. From the rerouting of the road, to the hydraulic lifting of the newly constructed shells and the creation of a super flyway, however the most entertaining topic came at about midnight. The Councils Hot Beverage Engineer delivered Tea and Biscuits and in an off the cuff comment said, ‘Be careful, the Creams only have a five second dunk time’. For the next twenty-five minutes the Councillors embarked on highly animated research, which resulted in nearly six packets of biscuits disappearing into differing temperate cups.
The final outcome was the first one discussed; place a temporary roundabout around the sensitive area and let the archaeologists do their work, and then, if budget allows, rebuild the road to the original plan.
Tony Robinson agreed that this was the best method as then he could be recognised by all those who drove past and this would make him feel like an A List Celebrity for a couple of days. The only problem that he could foresee was that he would have to lose nearly seven stone to get down to size zero.
The Council retired at nearly three in the morning, only to discover on waking that the find had actually been identified as a mix of bones from a bovine, probably buried by a local dog.
Work continues.
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Street Safety Secured With Sewer Restructure
Many residents of Hindpool may have been inconvenienced recently by the major revamp of the sewerage system in their area. The work has been ongoing for several weeks and has caused not one tailback, but will look likely to continue for several weeks more.
However the Council have now revealed that the whole restructuring will not only benefit the Hindpool people by getting rid of their waste quicker, but also provide a security feature that will be hailed as the first in the whole country.
The Council will be employing up to twenty three ‘security personnel’ to walk through the sewer system and occasionally pop their heads up through the manhole covers, surveying the area and reporting directly to the Barrow Police Force. They hope that the continual threat of any crime-orientated criminals will be put off by the chance that they will be spotted and reported as a crime is in progress.
The Barrow Evening Mail approached the Council to shed further light on the scheme, they replied that the project would be piloted to see if crime in the area will reduce and if it is successful it will be rolled out across the whole of the Borough. The cost will be fairly minimal, with wages, uniform and an underground ‘brew room’ the only monetary factors.
Although the scheme is due to start soon, the Council have not given the date away as they want their first would be criminal to be as much surprised as their victim.
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